It wasn’t the champagne I swear. I hadn’t even started drinking yet.

I’ve had so much to do in the past week, planning a get together at my apartment which I have not done since arriving home from Spain about 12.5 months  ago. It would seem my ex-pat to re-pat re-integration from Spain to the overpriced, overworked, stressed out American life I left behind fog has finally lifted. Well to some extent anyway.

It seems I managed to partake in an alcohol fueled shopping spree on Amazon recently according to my credit card balance.

Now who has never done that? Not me, said self.  I mean I abhor clutter and looking at things I will have to donate or sell when and if I leave the country for an extended period time or forever is not a good reason to buy anything. So shopping is not my forte.

But it seems I decided to order bar stools for my abnormally shaped glass kitchen table that is the shape of a Ouija board that the owner left me along with one lone bar stool and it looks awkward. The fact that the glass table reminds one of a Ouija board is even worse.

So, me and my glass of bubbly decided Xmas is coming, and well, if anyone comes over they might want to sit at the table, not stand, so I ordered two matching barstools one evening.

Staring at the big box delivered by the very fit young Amazon guy in my living room, I realized they need to be put together, but I own only one small hammer and one cheap screwdriver.

I thought to myself: self: lets have a bar stool assembly get together and who better than to ask; but people with tools; my favorite brother and his friend Mike. Perfect, and why not ask a couple other friends wile I’m at it to grill some steaks and hang out in my soon to be holiday themed highly decorated apartment. Thanks to my most recent purchase: a membership  to the bubbles club. Not bubble bath either. But that’s another story.

Hence the Xmas shopping began. Amazon had everything.  A pre-lit small Xmas tree, a zillion kinds of twinkling lights, HO HO HO table cloths, new wine glasses  and everything in between. My phone was on fire after my last bubbles delivery, but I digress.

For the past two weeks delivery’s have piled up and my mental state has been happy but discombobulated over realizing I haven’t planned any get together in a long time and well I wanted everything done as fast as possible because I can be impatient.

So this fine Saturday morning I jumped up, drank coffee and as usual stopped five times before going to the gym in my own living room.  I hung lights on my balcony, put batteries in the Santa, arranged the furniture and took my vitamins all in the span of 15 minutes while bagging the trash to take to the dumpster on my way to the gym. To get fit mind you. To de- stress too. But in my rush I pulled out my medication to take an injection that cost oh, about $500 and I take it weekly.  I pulled it from the fridge and before injecting myself ADD said “don’t forget your glasses, put the shot on the counter  and go find them cause you cant see shit without it”, so I went looking. Then ADD said “go pee before you leave”, and I did. Then I saw the laundry and thought I should put it in the washer… you see where this is going.

Then ADD said “turn off the lights in the kitchen and get your sweat towel too”.  I ran into the kitchen to down my coffee and fill my water bottle. Then grabbing the trash bag I dropped the shot in the trash, ran out the door with my sweat towel, the trash bag and my glasses.

I pulled up with my car and promptly dumped the trash in the dumpster and happily went to the gym

In the middle of my spin class ADD interrupted my thoughts 12 times with a list of things I needed to do to finish decorating and planning a party when a ADD said “ did you take your shot?

I paused mid spin and thought no way. Of course I did. I kept spinning ignoring ADD. “You didn’t take it did you?” It nagged at me like a fishmonger’s wife.  I did, now shut up ADD, trying to listen to the instructor telling us to spin faster. But it nagged some more….

Finally I gave in unable to concentrate and lifted my shirt looking for a red mark on my belly, a telltale sign If I gave myself the shot. Nothing.  Oh no  I didn’t take it?…….”I told ya so”, ADD snickered in my head. You didn’t give it to yourself did you?  And you haven’t even started drinking yet. I remembered dropping it in the trash…… oh no…… a full syringe of $500 worth of medication? How could I have done it? And sober too?

I thought no problem, I’ll go get it out of the trash as soon as I get back home. It will still be there, I know which bag was mine in the bottom of that dumpster. Easy peasy…… So I finished class , stopped for a fast breakfast, and went to the dollar store because ADD wanted cheap candles. ADD always delays everything.

As soon as I got home just two hours after class I pulled into the lot, and drove to the end of the lot in the back where the dumpster sits hoping no one would see me get in and think I m a homeless person. I pulled my car up so it would partially block the opening to the dumpster. It was like an clandestine encounter….except it wasn’t dark.  Nope this would be in broad daylight …seriously, a $500 medication is worth dumpster diving for. After all, this is the United States; you lose your meds your in trouble cause no insurance will refill any medication just because you accidently threw it in the dumpster in an ADD fueled moment.

Looking around I saw no one…..

Getting out I looked into the dumpster….. ready to climb in and get my $500 shot out.

It was gone! All the trash but two bags …… the trash men must have come early! They never come on Saturdays… never….thinking maybe I’m wrong and one is my bag  I looked around  to make sure no one was around besides the cameras in the parking lot. I hoped I wouldn’t be on the property Facebook group as the homeless woman digging for food.

So I leaned through the opening and reached all the way down to to the smelly dirty bottom of the monstrous metal container. I was barely teetering on my belly with my legs off the ground hanging out of the opening  hoping I wouldn’t fall in trying to reach it with every inch of my body.

Barely reaching the edge of the plastic trash bag, trying not to fall in, I pulled on it, it tipped over and papers, coffee grounds, a cardboard milk carton  and a nasty diaper fell out.. gross. Nope, it was definitely not my bag… I don’t drink milk and I don’t do babies. Pulling myself out, my pants dented with dirt marks I looked around hoping no one saw me.

Jumping in my car I drove back to my parking spot dejected. ADD just stayed quiet.

 Walking to my apartment I checked the time…. It was almost 2 pm. ADD is an ASS.

This is what I get for planning a bar stool party.  Nothing good ever comes from drinking too much bubbly and deciding to shop for bars stools.

Somewhere in Texas

Contemplating non alcoholic wine

Looking for a” stop shopping app”

And a self help book to stop ADD

Keep an eye on your medication