I saw a little dead bird on the 5th-floor stairwell today when I went to climb the stairs. I remember this bird or at least one that looked just like it a few weeks ago that was trapped and kept flying into the glass windows that enclosed the stairs. I tried as hard as I could to chase it toward the parking lot to free it. But was unable then I didn’t see him anymore. Well, I wonder if this was the same little bird? Did he die of starvation? Or knock himself out hitting the window?  

Either way, I hope he didn’t suffer when he died either way.

I went ahead and took his little body out and laid him on the grass under a bush. Poor guy dead in front of a hospital too.

Anyway……

My job has been crazy since coming home from Spain. I’ve been back about 8 months and it feels like years… it’s dragging like mud. And every day I wonder how long can I stand it? if I work till 65 that’s 56 ths and 5 days. Shoot me.

Well, I work under a special grant at the hospital, and well I won’t get into it here except for the first time in over 15 years the state has decided to audit it. My Grant is for case management and transportation to high-risk elders, most of whom live alone, falling, are demented, and live in very low socioeconomic circumstances. That is a fancy word for dirt poor, uneducated, and with little or no family or social support so they will most likely die sooner than they should according to the statisticians… that’s how the grant came about and I was hired so many years ago to intervene and help them.

I suppose since Covid ended you can’t let things go unchecked. And rightly so. But it has made my life a bit like hell. It’s the same grant we always had before I left for Spain but there was no one managing it the two years I was gone and now there is no manager and no documentation of anyone following the rules of the grant since I left the position two years ago. My Stint in Spain ended and I had to come back and begin working in my old job….but with no grant manager to help me get things in order.

So here I am

And now, with the announcement of the audit with a mere 10 days to get all documents uploaded the fingers are pointed at me.

Because I’m the only one that worked on it years before. Ive since gone crazy getting everything together for the state but knowing it’s woefully less than what they will really want since I’ve been gone.

Tomorrow is what I call” D-day” the ‘entrance meeting interview” from the money holders: The state. Where I will be the center of attention when the questions come on a zoom call with anyone and everyone who has any interest in deciding if the audit warrants keeping the grant.

This should be as fun as sitting on a cactus with no pants on.

Could this be the end of the grant? Should I start drinking now?

I’m usually an optimist, but, in this case, I can’t say for sure. When someone is paying your salary and you can’t produce what they ask for , well, then Ide say it might be adios.

Unless they take pity on me as the long-suffering case manager working 60 hours a week helping old people stay alive and independent pulls on their heartstrings, I’m not so sure they will give a rat’s ass.

After all, the $151,000 a year they give us to employ me and a driver isn’t much, but a deal is a deal. We pay you, but you have things you must prove you’re doing according to our rules.

And the sad thing Is, I know most of what they want based on the previous director who did all the admin stuff and kept me and the other staff members on track following all the rules and the reports, etc

But I’m not a grant manager and the previous one lef,t and when she did so did all the documentation….Oh, woe is me. But that’s also when I moved to Spain…. and I didn’t care anymore as I needed a new beginning…. badly..

The sad thing is, I’m a damn good nurse case manager that solves a lot of sticky problems and helps get the elders up, out, or in to get the care they might otherwise not get…. I help with beginnings and sometimes the inevitable endings….. it’s my job….

But I can’t work two jobs and answer an audit when I’m not the one in charge, and damn it I’m not a policy writer or a pencil pusher, and that’s my story.  

So will this week be the beginning of a new way to do things? Or the beginning of the end?

You’re fired

Get out…

Am I worried? Not for me, but for the loss to the elders I won’t be able to help anymore.

So what have I done? I checked the stars as if my mother the astrologer was here….. and it doesn’t look good from what I could see….

So…..

I booked a trip.

I’m leaving.

For just a week, unfortunately. In Fact, the day after the before mentioned, “ your ass is in trouble meeting Zoom mtg” tomorrow.

How appropriate, to get on a plane and head to a new destination when shit is about to hit the fan.

My trigger finger has spoken. When things go downhill, I get on a plane and go up. That’s my coping mechanism.

I’m on a quest to hit 100 countries and this will be my 77^th, and I’ll get to see something I never saw before:

The famous Tulips of Holland. In the height of Spring…

Yes, I’m going to tiptoe through the tulips, with a job…. Or not

That’s my goal….

So…..maybe I’ll see yall after the “exit interview” where I’ll find out my fate as a case manager.

Beginning or ending?

What will it be?

I don’t really care, because I’ll be somewhere amongst the flowers drinking bubbly… as it should be.

Endings are always beginnings, and beginnings are always endings of something else…

Says the merry-go-round…

Somewhere in Europe