Well, I had my first “exfoliation facial” at a small salon where the teachers had given me a gift certificate.

It was in Spanish but it said “Exfoliante corporal Y facial e Hidration con massaje Y que podras disfrutar nuestras camas de aqua y floatacion” on the certificate.

I read it to mean an exfoliation facial with the option of a float tank like they had in the 80s. I figured well I’m not a high-maintenance woman and have never had a real facial so ok. But floating in a tank? Nah I’ll pass.

So I arrived at the assigned time of 4:30 pm.

The lady Isabella greeted me in the small waiting area, and told me to wait a couple minutes. So I perused some brochures on cellulite elimination treatments. You know that thing that rolls over your butt and breaks up the fat so it looks smoother? It is expensive.  I prefer just to stop eating carbs. However, I could just sit on an iron railing near the beach and roll my ass back and forth and make it look like I’m stretching after a run. That would be cheaper. But then again I could fall and break something too. Maybe that’s not as good an idea as I think it is.

Anyway, she spoke no English, so I just followed her into a semi-large room with dim lighting. It had two square box beds lit up with ambient lighting. A nice forest mural on one side wall and soft music. A silver disco ball hanging from the ceiling over one of the beds; hmm interesting. I noticed a fancy leather massage chair in the corner and a shower. A lot going on in here I thought.

She then tried to explain the first box bed under the disco ball is where I would be first. But before getting on I was to put on a stretchy paper string bikini thing made of the paper you put on your head before surgery. It took a minute for her to explain what it was to me then I figured it out. But it was tiny. Real tiny. Obviously for the skinny Spanish women that are everywhere. I didn’t have the ability to say don’t you have a bigger one for the chubby American? Just deal with it. I said to myself.

Anyway, now I knew this would be a massage of some sort, not just a facial.

I stripped and put the paper thong on. Good thing it stretched, and the room was dim.  If I was any bigger, it would look like a band-aid with two rubber bands holding it up… not a pretty sight for anyone.

She came in and directed me to the bed and put a stretch surgery cap on my head too.  I got on and it turns out it was a waterbed. So that was what they meant on the certificate. It was only about 1-2 inches deep with the same ambient light beneath it giving it a soft blue glow. I lay face down as instructed.  She then put exfoliant scrub all over. Maybe the dim light is for her too, she doesn’t need to see cellulite this close either.

Then she turns me over to complete the scrub. She turned on the bed which became very warm, and I could hear the bubbles whooshing around me.  She then folded the bed over me on each side, so I was wrapped like a cocoon with just my head and shoulders exposed. Good thing I’m not claustrophobic.  Then she gently pushed on my shoulders and the bed floated me up and down and side to side like a worm in the water.  I didn’t know if I was floating or high.

Then she pulled on my legs and my body went gently up and down in a similar floating fashion in an S movement. ok… but…then it felt like I was having an out-of-body experience and I needed to look for the light. Uh, that can’t be good.

That’s when I glanced up and saw the gleaming silver disco ball over my head. Holy smokes Batman, whose design idea was this? Now I don’t know if I am stoned, dead, or just need to drink more water.  Breathe deep! get more 02 to the brain, you idiot! I said to myself, it’s only a damn disco ball! phew…yea but the light could have been a train too you know, said sarcastic me. Damn no wonder I never relax.

So after some time listening to the bubbles, she unwrapped me and instructed me to shower then put on another string bikini and get on the other box bed.

Ok, no problem, not sure I wanted to stare at that disco ball anymore at that point anyway.

I shower and do as she says. This time it’s a regular massage; Swedish style with long strokes, warm oil, and some kind of scented oil under my nose as I lay face down. It was strong at first, making me think maybe it was like smelling salts, to wake people up after their out-of-body experience.

Overall, it was very relaxing. The whole experience lasted 90 minutes. She never did give me a facial only massaged my face with cream under the disco ball. I need to read Spanish a little better.

I climbed out of the box bed which took a minute and snapped the rubber band panties off and they shot across the room. Whoops. But I found it. Good thing I don’t have cataracts yet..I wonder how many clients accidentally shoot them like rubber bands and lose them in the room somewhere. I hope the one I found was mine… Anyway, I got dressed and headed out the door,

I was pretty darn relaxed and given the opportunity depending on cost Ide do it again. My legs hurt all the time walking around here so the massage did help it.

I greeted Isabella on the way out and praised her work in the disco room. I tried to give her a tip which she adamantly refused, I insisted saying gratis almuerzo de mi! I tried to say have lunch on me then. She laughed and put it in the community tip jar.

I know we don’t tip here but she did take a long time with me and I felt she deserved it. Besides what if I couldn’t find the rubber band bikini? She’d have to find it. That’s more than someone should have to do. I mean really.

Somewhere in Spain