Can’t I swipe up for maybe?

I’ve been single for nearly two years now, and sometimes I think it might be nice to have a friend. Or a companion or a partner. But maybe not. I’ve been divorced for almost 10 years. It feels like yesterday I signed the papers to cut him out of my life for good. Which was easier than cutting his heart out. Just saying.

So, just for grins I jumped on the old people’s dating app. Bumble. It’s not really for the old, but it is controlled by women and has a friend version. Friend with benefits? Not sure. But when I traveled, I met people to sightsee with from the “friend version “of this app,  and no jump in the sack sightseeing either. It’s not “what happens when traveling stays where you traveled” kinda stuff. Not that I haven’t partaken in some country-climbing….. but I digress.

 Am I ready to date? Mmmmm, like most women my age I don’t want to be somebody’s nurse with a purse literally and figuratively. I am a nurse already. I have no kids for a reason.  The caregiving ends at the job. Not really, but you know what I mean. Many men my age want that caregiving crap. Hire a maid and a cook, please. I have myself to take care of, buddy.

 So, to get on the app I had to come up with some photos and a Cliff Notes version of myself.

• Hmm, love to travel but alone…….. That could be an issue.
• Love to drink champagne, preferably in France. Can you hop to  France on a moment’s notice?

Can I say I’m looking for someone from the Champagne region? But is someone who actually owns a bubbly vineyard not a guy who is just picking the grapes? With my luck, I’ll get someone that says they are  “terra firma architect”; code: they spread manure in the fields for fertilizing the grapes, Shit begets shit.

Hmm what else should I throw in?

• Love comedy clubs? Yup, need to laugh
• Must have compassion and empathy, I am a nurse so it’s a given, and I was already married once to a certified stone, no more thanks.
• Have nice teeth? I hate to say it, but as we get older, so do our teeth. I’m not kissing anyone with wood look-alike teeth.
• Nonnegotiable: no smoking of any kind. No hoarders, ( I can’t help it I see it on my job), no obesity or shortness of breath during sex.  I don’t want to do CPR after intimacy. Good hygiene. Don’t ask me for money. That goes without saying, and a great credit score. Sorry, I can’t help it, I’ve been screwed by men and not in a good way.
• What else? Upload six photos- So I loaded three of me in other countries. Let’s not forget my main love in life is travel, and can you tell who’s in the photos? Me, myself, and I.

Then I had to choose the Location of matches. It wouldn’t let me put France or Italy. Damn it, so I said up to 50 miles.

Languages: speaking Spanish or French is a bonus; somebody must translate for me.

So, I hit post. Let’s see what happens.  In the meantime, I’ll shop for a solo trip for September.

So I jump on a few days later, and the app says  I have 150 likes. But I don’t know who they are. All I can do is open up who is within 50 miles of me that might match my requirements. No way to know if they liked me or not. Hmm, up pops “see who likes you and pay for a membership.” No thanks.

Funny, I put don’t have kids and don’t want kids. Well, at my age, finding someone with no kids is like looking for a needle in a haystack.  Ok fine. They better be older and gone from the home.

So up pops several attractive men, a couple are even doctors. Hmm, I have health problems if I date a doctor, then he will know my diseases are chronic and might not be interested. I’m not so sure I want to go through that. Besides, what’s a doctor doing on the app, Most drs can get women pretty easily. Hmm, what’s up with that?

So, I skim through each of the first five I’ve been sent:

• Over 6 feet? No, I don’t want someone towering over me; in fact, be no more than 5 ft 8. So I can look at them in the eyes, not at their chin. Swipe left.
• Full-on beard? Nope, I’m not kissing someone through a forest. And again, on my job, I see patients with nasty, skanky beards, I can’t shake that image. Swipe left
• Initial photos look great, but other photos show you are, um, not the same person…. ? Swipe left.
• Recently divorced less than 5 years? Nope, swipe left
• Travel domestically only. Sorry, I only do international…Swipe left.
• No information on you other than “ I’m a man.”Um, got that, buddy. Are you a serial killer?  A  poop scooper for a yard company? Come on. Swipe left.
• His wants: intimacy without commitment.  Aka F** buddy, or “sex positivity.” What is that? I had to look it up. Or the one that wrote “sapiosexual” wtf is that? They get turned on by intelligence, says Chat AI. So, if I read you an encyclopedia, will you get excited? What happens if I read a comic book? Now you need Viagra?  I’m not finding out. Swipe left.
• Wants “ethical non-monogamy. Um, aka swinger? Married? Wtf swipe left.
• Says they have lots of grandkids. I don’t want family involvement or to be tied down, swipe left.

What else have I  discovered about the app? Well, I get only a few a day, the best-looking folks are first, as time goes on you get the crappy photos, the Mary Jane smokers, the looks like they just rolled out of bed photos,  etc. Ok I get it. The carrot is in the beginning. As time goes on, you get the leftovers.

When you swipe left, they may still pop up down the road. But unless I pay, I can’t “go back,” so usually once you swipe, you’re done.

If you swipe right, it means nothing unless they swipe right on you as well. When it happens, then this big warning pops up “You have a match! You have 24 hours to send them a message.” Wow pressure. What is this, the price is right?

They should allow 48 in my opinion.

A couple of times I was barely swiping so I could see who the next person was behind someone. Then accidentally, I went too far and swiped right! Damn it. But no warning popped up, so they won’t know I did that unless they swipe on me. Phew

So, I had one man text me through “chat “ on the app . You can look at a profile and send a “compliment,” whether or not you are a match or not.  So, one of my openers is “Would you live in another country? And this guy answered it via the compliment sending text feature, and said, “What if I already have?

Hmm, got my curiosity up. I waited two days, then responded. My new thing this year is 24-48 hours must elapse before making any decision while emotional or drinking.

So, we chatted a few days, and then, because I didn’t really initiate anything, he said he found someone closer to where he lives and wanted to let me know. I appreciated that.

No ghosting is a good idea.

So here I am thinking, do I really want to dip my toes in the dating game? I mean, one of my 9 and half toes that is? Yup, if I meet someone, I’ll need to explain my half-missing toe, among other things, which we won’t discuss here. Maybe I should come up with a reason I lost the toe besides mercury retrograde. Maybe a barracuda bit it off when diving?  Or was I born that way? Well, scars might say otherwise.

Hmm, I did see one profile I liked, a traveler like me. But he put in his bio that he likes kissing, not just once, but multiple times in his bio. Hmm, and then he looked like I might only do it with him in the dark. How sexist is that? Men say it all the time, put a bag over her head, and the rest goes well. Can women be that way?  Why not. What the hell. I am getting old.  I don’t care.

So….. dipping my half toe in, I’m just not sure with my history, do I want to delve into who has what diseases? As I nurse, I know too much. And quite frankly, I don’t trust anyone to take care of me who isn’t paid to do it. Love is not enough.

Am I being cynical?

Yup.

My knight in shining armor is in another country. That I believe, or if he’s here, we are moving to another country. Maybe. If I can stand to live with someone.

 Just like my sister says, “you stay in your house, I’ll stay in mine”.

My motto has been and may still be: “You stay in your country and I’ll stay in mine.” See you when flights drop.

Sounds reasonable to me.

Somewhere in Texas, dipping a half toe in, swiping left on well, almost everyone.