So, I decided to have my longstanding deformed toes fixed. I have Rheumatoid arthritis and had 3 toes fixed on the other foot a few years ago. Think hammer toes and deviations.  And not from wearing high heels either, I was never that lucky to wear them much.  

The big problem:

On the left foot, I had 1 toe that stood up like I was flipping people off. yup the Dr. that fixed the right toes f**ed up the 2nd toe of the left foot.  Of course, when you sign a consent, it covers every known disaster from blood clots to death to a “floating toe” as an outcome risk….

Floating toe; wtf is that? Well, I woke up with it. The middle toe sticking up like it had a mind of its own. Hence nine months later it never came down despite me stretching it and everything else. It was like he cut the tendon in a knot and pulled the toe up. Like wtf? It looked like it was given Viagra and now looked like a miniature f**up  tiny penis frozen in a hard-on. Except sooner or later the Viagra wears off and things go down. . Not here.  He shortened the tendon, fused the joint to remove the hammer toe effect,  and left a toe hard-on for me.  Thanks for that.

So over the past three years I’ve taped it down with dick tape (I’m mean duct tape)  and endured the non-stop pain of having it rub the top of every shoe I own.  Did he offer to fix it? yes, but did it work? Nope.

So, I was sent on my way… “So sorry for your painful toe hard-on  that will stop you from wearing a normal shoe forever, interfere with your life and, look horrendous, but you did sign the consent……”

Have a nice day. I wanted to hold my foot up as I left the place and show him the toe bird on my way out. Thanks for nothing.

So now the other toes around it are worse, the 3^rd toe is rolling under the dick toe and the big toe leaning so far to the left my foot look like a fist.

I decided to go with the $6K copay and schedule surgery with someone that really knows feet. A podiatrist. No, not the “cut your toenails only” type podiatrist, but a surgical foot reconstruction podiatrist. One that deals with crushed feet and ankles. Now this kind of guy can do it I was sure. I mean until I saw him, I actually considered amputation out of desperation.  

My rheumatologist wasn’t too happy when I told her,  “A podiatrist?? Go to an orthopedic MD” she said. I said gee, that’s who caused my permanent painful never-ending toe hard-on. Are you kidding?

Listen, to have to alter my life because of this toe and the others has taken me to the end. Anything that interferes with traveling and hiking is a major thing in my life. I’ll take my chances on a new consent with a new surgery thank you very much or I’ll take the nippers from Home Depot and chop it off myself……. She didn’t like that remark.

So, signing my life away financially and medically I put my toes  in the hands of  a well-respected foot surgical podiatrist In Texas. He looked at my foot and described a lot of things he’d need to do, they even had a case conference about it.  That’s cool, I’ll be an interesting case… although once he mentioned screws, fusion and plates, I stopped listening.

On surgery day there was a tall slender sandy haired tall orthopedic Dr. that came along for the ride. He introduced himself and I enjoyed the view.  I  assumed he was there in case he had to bring out the big hammers or saws or something. But he looked happy like “this will be fun” due to the complexity of fixing the hard-on and others. Fine with me I said, the more the merrier.” Don’t forget the screws…. I almost said…. Woops time for anesthesia. Suddenly I heard “breathe in deeply…and an oxygen mask was placed over my mouth… ok, that’s one way to shut a patient up.

Once I woke up three hours later even I could see I no longer had a hard-on toe under the bandages  in my bleary state. Wow, it looked like a normal wrapped foot with each toe wrapped separately. No toe penis head sticking out either. I was already ecstatic.

I just hope I didn’t say anything under the anesthesia like make sure I don’t end up with another toe hard-on doc, and stay away from the Viagra will ya? The nurse chuckled and  said “your secrets are safe here.” woops, my inside voice musn’t have been on mute.

Well, I’m now home, and non-weight bearing for the next 6 weeks. Scooting around my apartment on a 3 leg scooter. Im waiting for the $6k bill to come in that I will charge and get enough points for my next trip.  The pain is manageable except when it feels like a hot poker stabs it out of nowhere, but the toes look straight from here. Thats all that matters. I can’t wait to see the final result next week,

Say no to the toe.

Never underestimate a good podiatrist over an orthopedist.

No more toe hard-ons for me

The trigger finger has just booked a flight to France to test the tootsies out

See you after my post-op visit.

Somewhere in Texas