Sometimes it’s best to have a 4-wheeler….

So I was in Boquete Panama  for thanksgiving. Its well known as  having some of the best coffee growing areas in the world.  Its lush, mountainous, cool and quite beautiful.

I arrived and rented an SUV for a whole $100 for 6 days. Incredible price. I check into a hotel in the hills above the town, surrounded by lush vegetation, flowers and a mountain river flowing down past it.

I realized as soon as I arrive, I’m in the same hotel I was in some 15 years before with my ex and my sister. I didn’t know if this was a good thing or a bad thing. She was in a room that got infested with termites covering the whole room bed and everything and management did not move her until my ex go on them the next day. But not a bug in sight in my room thankfully.

So onto the adventure side, I drove all over the city and soon discovered that everyone drove very slowly everywhere whether in the mountains or the tiny tourist and expat crammed city of Boquete. This was a good thing and I quickly learned to park anywhere off  or on the streets if I wanted to get out.

So my last day I decided I wanted to see the volcan national park that was maybe 45 minutes from my hotel. There were two ways to go. The higher elevation or the lower one.

I chose the higher route thinking there will be nice views. Big mistake.

I wind my way up the mountain on barely two-lane roads following the gps. I round a bend, and there is a clearing and the road narrows and turns to stones and gravel going downhill. I stop. It looked  like a 20-degree grade difference. Not pea gravel but rocks as much as a foot wide with pits and dips. There is a car behind me. I look and it looks like this section empties out below onto a regular gravel dirt road that according to GPS then goes to the main road to the park. So my heart is starting to race, should I go or should I not? The devil on my left says “do it” you’re in an SUV’ the right side says um your  not in a 4-wheel drive, this will not end well”  

So, I listen to the wrong voice. I’m an optimist at heart and think “its gonna be ok”. So I slowly head down, driving over the first large rock, then oh sh***  despite the slowness the car is leaning left freaking me out wondering if the car could tip over. I’m bouncing  up and down in my seat going over all the mini boulders. Now I’m at a point of no return. The car behind me follows and they have no clearance at all..um the dumb leading the dumber. I’m now sweating and swearing holy SH*** whos idea was this? Hoping the undercarriage doesn’t get hit.

I barely get down and it levels off a little and I pull over. I look back at the grade of slope, I don’t think I can get back up. The car behind me stopped and a young couple get out and said they were trying to get to a coffee place, but they were closed and now they weren’t sure they could get back up either. The woman walks to the edge of the clearing and says “its clear down below and mostly flat. You can make it”. My heart is racing. I look up the hill where I came from and now think I can’t get back anyway. So taking a deep breath I begin the 2^nd half of the descent with rocks almost as bad. There is a truck parked on the side down at the bottom that looked like it was for the coffee bean pickers who were up in the mountains somewhere. I thought oh crap, what if I’m stuck. I keep going anyway bouncing all over trying not to let the boulders scrape the bottom of the car despite the height.

I get to the bottom and its flat dirt and gravel, not too bad. Gps says get ¼ mile and Ill be on a regular road. So, I follow the one lane road thinking it’s now flat and come to what: a hill that looks like it goes straight up the mountain from where I’m sitting. Oh no.

It looked like it winds up the mountain and curves to the right  on the other side with lush rainforest like trees obscuring how far up it is.  But it so steep it looked to be at least a 30 % grade.  Damn why didn’t I rent a 4×4?

I see there’s an old shack like building off to the side set way back off the road that looks deserted. Great if I’m stuck here, I’ll have to knock on some farm door and hope Freddy Kruger isn’t there.

Im now panicking. I got myself in this ravine, and I have 2 choices; slam on it and see if I can get up the steep dirt hill on my right in hopes it levels out at the top or go back to the boulder ridden section back where I came from.  I’m frighteningly aware I’m  in a  2 wheel drive Hyundai SUV with the power of a scooter. Every swear word comes to mind.

The sky begins to look ominous; it looks like it’s going to rain soon. I’m now in full blown panic I’m gonna die here in the cold night air, with no cell service and I don’t know the equivalent to 911 here even if I did have it.

If it rains I’m done for.  I have no time. So, I backed up and decided to try and step on it and get up the hill. Bam, I floor the gas pedal, I get 1/3 of the way and the car stops. It won’t go forward at all. The front tires are in a pit. And I’m sitting at a very steep 30 Degree angle. I look back, I now have to go back down. Theres no way in hell I’m getting up this.

I slowly go backwards the front tires pulling out of the pit as I back up thankfully. But then the rear end is now trying to fish tail as I back down. Holy SH*** there is a drop off on one side too. I’m having visions of sliding off this  mountain, buried in the rainforest on some coffee plantation.  News at 11: “lost another dumb American down the mountain with no 4-wheel drive. When will they ever learn? Details later from Budget car rental.

So I just keep going backwards gently to slow the slipping and get down onto the dryer section of gravel at the bottom.  Now what? My hearts pounding and my hands are now shaking. I have got to go back the way I came. Choice #1 is off the table.

I turn around and head back. I’m having visions of being stuck up there and having to wait for some lone coffee picker with no English to help me. “I told you it wouldn’t end well” says the voice of reason.

So I stopped at the first incline of rocks. I decide the hell with the undercarriage, if I damage the vehicle, there’s nothing I can do.  I have to get out and I already knew not to stop, or it would be over. I had to risk it.

So I back up about 20 feet and stomp on it. I fly up the first incline bouncing all over praying I make it. I do.

Now for the 2^nd half; Im on the leveled area for the next climb which is much longer and with at least a 20 degree slope with the rocks of all sizes and pits. I don’t see the couple and their car they must have got out. I’m really alone now.

Let’s go Hyundai you’re getting me out of here! I say to myself. I backed up as far as I could and stomped on it again making the 4-cylinder burn. The whole car and I are bouncing like a ping pong ball on the rocks and pits but moving. In what seemed like an eternity I  get to the top. Holy moly Batman. The little Hyundai that could.

Holy Mother of God is all I thought. I pulled over on the paved road and got out of the car. I’m damn near hyper ventilating. My hands were shaking, and my legs were wobbly.  I couldn’t believe it.

I was so glad I couldn’t even think to film what I just drove over. Damn GPS why couldn’t it have  a warning like it does for speed trap ahead. “no real road ahead” don’t do it you might die” with a flashing stop sign or something. But then again you can’t stop stupid.

I just needed a drink. I get in and go back down the real paved road to the town. I stop at a tavern, walk in and sit at the bar.

A shot, a gin and tonic and a beer please.

I never made it to the national park.

The car appeared to have no damage.

Next time take the low road stupid.

Rent a 4-wheeler

Somewhere in Panama