As part of my last few trips when leaving Spain I decided to visit Baden- Baden Germany; a famous thermal spa town near the French border and part of the black forest. I wanted to try the famous “fully naked” Roman baths there called  “Friedrichsbad.”  I wanted to see if it would relax me and cure me of my arthritis, a big bug bite on my ass and my easily-irritated-impossible-to-relax-personality as my late mother would have called me.

After all, they say” the thermals will cure you.” I read the blogs and reviews.  But is that before or after they charge you $35 a head to do it though?  Shouldn’t it be cheaper if you’re totally naked?.

So after the requisite sightseeing of  Baden Baden which I thought was pretty but too touristy with expensive shopping, we stopped and saw the museum of “Criminal women in History” which is interesting as right now I’m watching a disturbing series called “Yellowjackets’ which takes murder to a whole new level by most of the female cast. Not sure I know the connection just yet.

Anyway, after a day of walking Jorge and I went to the famous Roman baths.

We entered a large stone ornate Romanesque-looking building. Inside was a middle-aged woman with a pale white blouse behind a counter enclosed partially by plexiglass.  She greeted us with the enthusiasm of a stick. We asked to go in and she immediately said “its all nude you know.” Yes, I read that I told her. Do I get a discount for no clothes? I mumbled under my breath. She didn’t hear me which is just as well  as she probably gets that stupid statement from jokesters every day hence her gross lack of enthusiastic customer service.

So we received wristbands and walked up a curved marble staircase to the spa entrance. There were frescos painted on the ceiling and it looked like a grand entrance to a palace. It was kind of cool actually.

Following the signs to “spa entrance” we scanned our badges and a turnstile thing allowed us in. It was a large changing room with dark mahogany lockers, benches and mirrored areas for freshening up.

Jorge and I went in together as there was no separation of church and state,  just like the lady said. Ok then.

We each chose a locker and I quickly de-clothed. There was a towel in the locker for privacy. I wrapped myself and we walked to the “wet entrance” where you get plastic slippers before going in. At the small desk outside the door, there was a young bored-looking young man wearing a blue shirt and shorts. There was a  standing glass cooler behind him with bottled water and Gatorade. No wine I noted, I mean going naked with a bunch of strangers should have warranted a shot of something, no? But I digress.

The young guy was expressionless like the lady at the main front and gave us quick instructions to “follow the signs” and pointed to the wall where steps #1-10 were written. Obviously to make it easy on people that don’t know what and where to go. I quickly scanned the instructions:

Room #1:  take a shower. Then # 2 and #3 rooms were wet and dry hot saunas, # 4-6  rooms were hot and cold pools. Other rooms were for extra paid services like massages etc. I wasn’t paying for that.

Ok fine.  I was glad for the instructions as I might easily go in the wrong direction which I’m prone to do and seeing how we are all naked, I won’t have GPS on me.

I wondered how many naked people this guy sees a day. Way more than the average gynecologist I bet. Probably takes all the fun out of seeing his girlfriend naked. Poor guy. No wonder he looked bored out of his mind.

So I followed two ladies and a man into the narrow marble hallway and watched as they hung their towels and stepped into a huge room with multiple shower heads side by side hanging from the ceiling.

So I hung my towel, and took a deep breath as I was now butt naked. I decided to keep my slippers on.  I already fell once in the past month, and the thought of walking on wet marble made me hesitate. And nobody needs to see an old woman fly in the air naked. That’s a recipe for nightmares.

I walked to the nearest showerhead and pulled on a metal chain. An ice-cold rain hit me. Holy crap,  I lasted maybe 15 seconds and jumped out from under it…  When does this get relaxing?

Then I took my towel and went to room #2 the hot wet sauna to get warm. There were cream-colored marble benches stacked like a small pyramid in the middle of the space and steam coming off the water cascading from above over hot coals that made the room steaming hot.

I noted a couple men sitting at the highest bench where it was probably boiling hot. After five minutes I moved on, taking my towel with me to sit. Into the dry sauna next, I saw there were teak recliners and benches, along the walls.  One skinny elderly man was reclining, his eye closed. Jorge lay on another recliner. I sat on a bench. I tried to close my eyes to relax like im supposed to do and in walked a woman and two more men. The woman smiled at me, and the men looked straight ahead.

Then a young couple came in. They were the most youthful of everyone in the place. Ah… to be young again and firm, without wrinkles and saggy assess and other things. I glanced at them and reminisced about my old younger body.

Everyone else in the room was like me;, old, older, and near dead.

I was overheating and starting to sweat,  so I stepped out an went back to the shower to bathe and cool off before going into the pools.

I was looking forward to that.

I wandered into a large oval marble room with a glass dome ceiling. Pillars with Roman statues were in the corners. I left my towel outside as it appeared no one was bringing their towel from room to room and I didn’t want to be the odd guy that looked like the typical American bringing my towel afraid to be nude in front of strangers.

What happens in the spa stays in the spa and I was anonymous just like them. What the hell who cares anyway as long as you don’t stare at anyone right?

I watched as an older grey-haired woman walked in front of me, please God does my ass look like hers I wondered?. I need a butt facelift if mine is like that I thought. She went to the stairs to get in the pool and suddenly changed her mind, and went left into another adjoining smaller marble room with another pool. So I dipped my foot in the water. It was ice cold. No way batman, I wasn’t getting in there. I know I did ice bathing in Norway, but I was here to relax, soothe my arthritis, and hope the thermal could cure me of my attitude problem.

So, I followed her

The next room was similar with Roman pillars but with beautiful frescoes painted on the ceilings. It was lovely.

I noted three people sitting on the water jets. Another floating on his back. What did I say before, let’s not float to close to the surface gentlemen. Oh well, it was too late, I can’t erase what I saw.

I slipped in and it was warm. But not warm enough.

What happened here? I thought thermals were to be nice and hot, not lukewarm.

I looked around and everyone was floating or backed against the jets with their eyes closed. It was quiet with only the sound of the water bubbling.  I was the only one looking around. I kept my eyes upward and tried to breathe deeper. I was mildly irritated at it being only lukewarm though. My head just wanted to list everything I knew about the place. I didn’t recall one Google review that said it was Luke Warm. How is this conducive to relaxation? Im an adult, not a baby it needs to be warmer than “elbow touchable”. So much for relaxing me.

And I just paid $35 to walk in here.

Breathe I said to myself.

I then got up to go to the next pool hoping it was hotter. As I got up I remembered I had that pimple-bite thing on my ass that looked like a giant spider bit me. I then waited, and lowered myself back into the water until 2 out of the 3 people got out. Then I slowly went to the steps and walked up backward first then sideways on the steps while holding onto the railing. This way my backside faced the wall and the other man in the bath wouldn’t see my giant ass bite east of the crack with my sagging wrinkled cheeks. No one needed to see that no matter how anonymous it all was.

So I scooted into the 2nd thermal pool and quickly slipped into the bath. There was a jet that was unoccupied, and I slid over to it hoping to massage my left hips and back with it. The water was a hair warmer than the previous pool. Damn it batman. How is this helpful?. I then just gazed up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. I willed myself to relax and tried to meditate. A young man across from me floated on his back, it was a different view from the old man doing the same in the other thermal. At least the views were better in this pool. But I digress.

So I rolled on my back and floated too. I closed my eyes. I smelled the water as it supposedly had minerals in it. But I couldn’t tell.

I stayed there a long time. I was really trying.  My heart rate did drop some and my attitude softened. Maybe this thermal thing is a good idea after all.  Then I had to pee. Damn it to hell. Does the body ever stop getting in the way as we age? I hadn’t even had any wine before coming in either.

Then I saw the time and the American in me started to think of how much time we had left there and where we planned to go the next day. Which was to head to another town: Bad Wildbad to do a stair race and climb up a spiral thing to the tree tops..

So much for relaxation.

Living in Spain for two years slowed me down but the secret scheduler in my brain is still there…… relax they said.

Cure the pimple.

Walk out backward in the thermal spa but be careful.

Somewhere in Baden Baden Germany trying to relax.